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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290602">Let Me Love the Lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValiantClarke/pseuds/ValiantClarke'>ValiantClarke</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Canon, Angst, Canon Universe, F/M, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Loneliness, Loss, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Pining, Sad, Soulmates, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:00:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,347</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValiantClarke/pseuds/ValiantClarke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy is taken to another planet by an unknown force after Octavia disappears. To cope with the loneliness and stress of survival, he travels to the anomaly to talk to a hallucination of Clarke. (Basically reverse Clarke in 4x13 and 5x01 with the radio calls). Also includes some Void!Bellamy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Lost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Titled inspired by the song Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur. I think I'm going to try to keep this fic short like a one-shot but broken up into a few small chapters.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It felt like everything happened so quickly. One minute, he was standing with his sister. The next minute, she was gone. Another minute, he was screaming for her into the void. The next minute, HE was gone.</p>
<p>He couldn’t remember anything about who took him or why. The last thing he remembered was Echo screaming for him as he collapsed onto the dirt below. It felt like all of the energy left his body at once like he was drugged.</p>
<p>When he finally woke up he found himself on the ground somewhere new, facing up towards the treetops. He was wet, cold, and undeniably starving. As his eyes finally came back into focus, he noticed a landscape he had never seen before. Trees that were as tall as small mountains, rising up into the sky to the point where he could barely make out the sky’s purple hue. The trees reminded him of the redwood forests that he read about in Earth geography class on the Ark. </p>
<p>It was quiet here, aside from the sound of unfamiliar bugs in the air. It would be easy to let his guard down and fool himself into thinking he wasn’t being watched or followed. He’d been through this enough times before. Same shit, different planet. </p>
<p>The way he saw it, he had two options. Stay here where they put him and where they want him, or try to find a way back to Sanctum. The first option was the easiest of the two, but he has never been that stupid. Plus, there was no sign of food here, and he was starving. </p>
<p>He took off Gabriel’s wet and muddy sweater and tied it around his waist as he walked. A few hours passed with seemingly no end to this forest in sight. As time passed he slowly let down his defenses. He would be lying if he didn’t say he was terrified. He had nothing but the clothes he was wearing. No gun, no knife, absolutely no way to defend himself other than his hands. He was dehydrated and starving. If anyone attacked him, he knew he wouldn’t win.</p>
<p>What a shitty way to die. He thought, a small chuckle escaping. He had survived two apocalypse scenarios and he could die due to dehydration or starvation. </p>
<p>Time continued to roll on. The forest he was in was endless. He didn’t understand it. He had seen all of Sanctum’s Alpha planet maps. How could you miss a forest this dense with trees this unique? </p>
<p>Has the sky ever been purple? He shook the thought out of his head. It must have been, I just wasn’t paying attention. He reassured himself. I’m on the brink of dehydration, that’s all.</p>
<p>Ahead of him, he could see the edge of this forest. He ran as fast as he could, hoping to find someone or something he recognized. Instead, he found a valley. It was full of colorful wildflowers and fruits he had not seen before. A river cut through the valley with the freshest looking water he had ever seen. There were animals everywhere. He couldn’t name a single one of them, but some reminded him of the species he saw on Earth. It felt safe there. He knew it probably wasn’t, but it felt safe.</p>
<p>Bellamy collapsed onto the ground next to the river and drank as quickly as he could. He felt instantly better. It was dark outside now, and he would probably need to stay here for the night. He was still starving, but he would never catch anything this late. He decided instead to clean his clothes in the river and lay them out over a tree to dry for the night. Finding shelter would be impossible, so he simply leaned back against the tree and hoped he would survive.</p>
<p>The next morning, he quickly got dressed and headed back down to the river. He needed food and fish sounded really good right about now. The easiest hunting tool to craft would be a spear anyways. He grabbed the biggest stick he could find and spent some time carving it out perfectly. </p>
<p>“Spearfishing... Shouldn’t be too difficult.” </p>
<p>It was difficult. </p>
<p>He threw the spear down in frustration. He didn’t even come close to catching one fish. He used to be so good at hunting. He learned so much from his time on the guard and was able to immediately implement it on the ground. They kept up with their physical training while on the ring, but they did let go of basic survival training.</p>
<p>He glanced over at the cluster of fruits that looked like apples in a bunch next to him. He spent a while debating whether or not it was worth risking his life to eat one. He desperately tried to remember what they taught him in Earth skills about what fruits to look out for but he couldn’t think clearly.</p>
<p>Suddenly, a deer-like species crept towards him. He watched it as it inched towards him. It was timid and slow, but he could tell that if he moved even just a little bit it would flee. He quietly grasped his fishing spear that was on the ground. As the “deer” inched closer, his grip tightened. </p>
<p>It finally noticed him, turning its head slightly in confusion before dipping down to take a bite out of the apple-like fruit. Bellamy released his grip on the spear and grabbed as many of the apples as he could, scaring away the deer. He didn’t wait to start eating, they were bitter and tasted a little bit like dirt, but they were satisfying and the only food he had eaten in days. </p>
<p>A few days passed like this. He would fall asleep under the tree, try spearfishing for a couple of hours in the morning, settle for fruits, nuts, or vegetables by lunchtime, work on building a shelter in the afternoon, and try to make some more weapons (like arrows or knives) in the evening.</p>
<p>He woke up the next morning to a stampede. All of the animals in the valley were fleeing. They were heading into the forest, back in the direction which he came from. He tried his best to dodge them as they ran past him in every direction. He could barely see through the dirt and mud that was stirred up. He heard a crash, his temporary shelter below the trees was demolished. He had two choices, run with them or climb up. He chose the latter. </p>
<p>That was until a green glow started to expand across the valley. It reminded him of the acid fog from Earth, but he knew exactly what it was. It was the anomaly expanding again. </p>
<p>He knew it was stupid but he had nothing to lose. He ran towards it. His sister was in there and this could be his only shot of finding her. </p>
<p>When he first entered the anomaly forest, all he could hear were faded voices. Each voice was familiar, his mom, Kane, Shumway, and even Murphy. He walked in further and the voices got louder. Echo, Emori, Raven, and Monty. They aren’t real. He reminded himself. The closer he got to the center of the anomaly, the worse things became. Hallucinations now, vivid and real hallucinations, but none of them were as clear as her. </p>
<p>“Bellamy, stop.” Her voice was strong and familiar. He listened. She was surrounded by green and it took everything he had to convince himself she wasn’t actually there. Everything about her was perfect from the length of her blonde hair to the scars on her hands. </p>
<p>“Clarke?” He asked, a hint of hope in his voice that maybe, just maybe, she was real, but she wasn't real. Seeing her there, so distant yet so close, made him feel even more alone. The reality was sinking in, he was lost and alone. No one was coming to save him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Routine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She was absolutely beautiful. </p><p>A green and blue halo surrounded her silhouette almost like a blur. She was so clear, but the outline reminded him that she was simply a hallucination due to the anomaly. Neither of them spoke for what felt like centuries. He just stood there, taking her in. Her warmth that he was so used to was there making him feel safe for the first time since he woke up.</p><p>She broke the silence.</p><p>"Have you realized where you are yet?" She asked, her voice soft and comforting. Her usual tone with him. His mind raced as he tried to comprehend the reality of the situation. He was alone, she was a hallucination. Everything she said represented something in the back of his mind screaming for him to understand. </p><p>The sky has never been purple. The trees have never been that tall. The animals in the valley were not any he had ever seen before. His stomach tied in knots as he accepted what he knew deep down. He was not on planet Alpha anymore.</p><p>"Clarke-" was all he could manage to utter. He was exhausted. This was exhausting, but he needed this. She walked towards him, her image changing with every stride she took. She looked younger, her hair was long with dark blonde waves cascading down her back. Two strands were pinned behind her head. She reminded him of the day they went to look for the bunker near the dropship.  This was the Clarke that told him she needed him. The Clarke that gave him hope that he wasn't destined to live out the rest of his days alone and hiding from his mistakes. </p><p>"Bellamy, you can do this. You can survive this." She began, taking a seat next to him. He wished he could hold her and cry into her shoulder until he felt better. </p><p>Like he used to.</p><p>"Keep using your head like I told you. No one has attacked you. You traveled for miles and no one tried to hurt you. As difficult as it may be to let your guard down, you should let it down a little bit." She continued. He listened as she told him everything he was too afraid to admit. It was hard to hear, but he needed this.</p><p>"Obviously, they took you here for a reason. They didn't kill you which means they either need you for something in the future or they need to get you out of the way momentarily. Regardless of the reason, they will be back for you and you need to be ready for that day." She advised pausing for a moment to let him process everything.</p><p>"Figure out a routine for yourself so you don't go crazy. This could take a while. Train for the day they come back, build a stable shelter and take care of yourself. You have to keep yourself sane." </p><p>
  <em>But talking to you every day, even though you didn't answer it... it kept me sane.</em>
</p><p>The memory of that moment echoed around the anomaly overwhelming him. The hallucination of Clarke vanished into dust. Clarke survived 6 years in isolation by talking to a useless radio every day. He would get through this and talking to her ghost was going to be the way to do it.</p><p>When Bellamy finally made his way out of the anomaly haze he was greeted by a nearly empty valley. The animals had scattered and only a few wandered back. He looked down at the trampled remains of his flimsy shelter. He would need to do better if he was going to survive here. He needed to try harder. </p><p>He glanced up at the tree full of branches that could easily hold a treehouse. He got to work.</p><p>
  <strong>Day 52</strong>
</p><p>Bellamy climbed down the treehouse ladder to start his day. It was just before Dawn and he could hear the birds chirping from the treetops. When he got to the bottom of the tree, he made sure to carve out a tally in the bark for day 52. He paused for a moment, doing his best not to dwell on the nearly 2 months he has been stuck here for. </p><p>Breakfast time.</p><p>He made his way down to the river with his spear and bow. He had crafted a better fishing spear two weeks ago. Making weapons out of rocks and sticks was becoming much easier over time. </p><p>He wanted fish for breakfast but he would settle for the rabbit creature if he didn't catch anything. As he traveled down to the river, he noticed the path he had made over the days that he had made this trek. He had considered cutting out a path but it seems his constant foot traffic did enough. One less thing to do today.</p><p>Bellamy whistled.</p><p>"Augustus!" He called out into the clearing. Flowers and tall grass rustled in the distance. He smirked and shook his head as the tip of a wagging brown tail ran towards him. Seconds later, Augustus collided with Bellamy nearly knocking him off of his feet. His tail was now wagging faster and his brown eyes darted back and forth in excitement at the sight of Bellamy. Bellamy knelt down, allowing the dog to reach up and lick his cheek. </p><p>"Good boy." He said, tossing the dog a bone he had been carrying in his pocket from last night's dinner. Augustus darted off again but never ran out of earshot from Bellamy. </p><p>Bellamy reminisced about finding Augustus to Clarke in the anomaly that afternoon. </p><p>"I'm sure you remember because we talked about this then but I was having a really horrible day. It was raining and I still hadn't finished my treehouse. I couldn't start a fire to cook the one thing that I caught that day and I was just over it." He rambled. The hallucination of Clarke just smiled as he eagerly reminded her of the day he met Gus.</p><p>"So this little brown lab who is COVERED in mud, by the way, comes up to me and starts trying to eat my raw deer." He continued, "Of course I was not going to give it to him. It was the first time I had managed to catch a deer here."</p><p>Clarke smiled, knowing the rest of the story already but happy to listen anyways.</p><p>"I was to intrigued by him because he was the only animal on this planet who looked exactly like an animal from Earth. When I didn't give him the meat, he decided to lay down next to me in the pouring rain anyway. I shared my breakfast with him the next morning."</p><p>Clarke chuckled, "You're lucky to have him. How many times has he saved your ass from wild animals that would have killed you in your sleep?"</p><p>Bellamy laughed remembering how many times that dog had attacked or killed for him. He was lucky to have Gus.</p><p>Augustus never followed Bellamy into the anomaly forest. It was the one place on this planet that he wouldn't go. However, he was always waiting just outside of the green aura for Bellamy to return. </p><p>Gus tucked himself into the little dog house Bellamy had made for him under the treehouse. Bellamy threw a piece of fish to Gus as he climbed up the treehouse for bed. </p><p>This was how he chose to live his life. He trained during the day, he built himself a stable shelter, he took care of himself, and he spoke to "Clarke" and Gus to keep himself sane. He had a routine. He was going to survive this.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Room</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Day 365</strong>
</p>
<p>Bellamy struggled to wake up. He blinked back the blurry morning gaze as he sat up in bed. Gus was barking incessantly downstairs which told him that he overslept. </p>
<p>Today was not going to be a good day.</p>
<p>He could barely look at the 364 tallies decorating the tree bark. He ran his fingers through his tossed curls struggling to etch in the 365th tally. He had cut his hair for the first time on day 87. It was the height of the summer on this planet and he just couldn't take it anymore. His face was clean-shaven as well. He found that it was much easier to shave it all off than to try and maintain it in these conditions. He hadn't seen himself since before he was taken here, but he assumed he looked like what he used to. </p>
<p>He had been on this planet for an entire year. </p>
<p>It was the rainy season again which seemed fitting for the somber occasion. Dark clouds continued to roll in and cover the valley with heavy rain and fog. </p>
<p>He didn't go down to the river to fish or hunt. Instead, he sat under his tree in silence. Augustus seemed to sense Bellamy's mood and simply laid next to him with his head on Bellamy's thigh. Bellamy pet him gently.</p>
<p>"What if all of my people are dead?" He asked Gus, barely intelligible through the loud rain and thunder. His eyes started to water at the thought of his sister, "I was supposed to find my sister. I failed. I don't even know why I bother trying to make the best out of this situation. What's the point of surviving if I go back to nothing?"</p>
<p>His breathing hitched and his heart raced. He was hyperventilating and crying completely out of control. His hands shook uncontrollably as he tried to continue petting Gus's wet fur. He felt like he couldn't breathe. He was having a panic attack. </p>
<p>He had stayed strong for so long. He did everything that Clarke said to do, yet he was still stuck here. What if they never came back? What had he actually done to try and get out of here? </p>
<p>He continued to struggle for air. </p>
<p>He settled for this life a long time ago. It pained him to even accept the fact that he gave up. He was just going through the motions trying to survive.</p>
<p>
  <em>Suddenly, he knew what Clarke must have felt like</em>
</p>
<p>She had survived on her own for six years and he was losing his mind after one. </p>
<p>Clarke.</p>
<p>He needed to see her. </p>
<p>It was a horrible idea. If he had learned anything from his daily trips into the anomaly forest, it was that the hallucinations, visions, and voices got worse if he went in there without a clear head and a positive attitude. At this point he didn't care. Gus followed him to the edge of the forest and howled for him when he went in. He was sure that even Augustus knew that this was a bad idea. He never howled when Bellamy went into the anomaly forest.</p>
<p>He saw visions of his past fly past him. All of the horrible things he had done. Shooting the chancellor, throwing out Raven's radio, hanging Murphy, and joining Pike in killing innocent people. He saw everything Octavia had done and how broken she had become. He saw himself closing the drop ship door on her and leaving her outside to die on a foreign planet. </p>
<p>He fought past the visions and his past ghosts to get to her. He had never needed to travel this far into the forest to see her. His head pounded from the echoes of everyone he had ever known. Her voice was the only one that was missing. </p>
<p>"Clarke!" He shouted into the void. His voice broke when her name escaped it. He was even more desperate for her now, "Clarke!"</p>
<p>The anomaly swirled above and around him like a tornado. He could barely keep his footing. The anomaly was expanding again as it had on the first day. </p>
<p>He needed to get back to Gus. </p>
<p>Bellamy desperately tried to find his way back to Gus but the anomaly was shifting and changing. He couldn't find his usual markers for how to get out. Gus would be forced to run with the stampede or hide in the dog house. He prayed that Gus would find his way back home. He couldn't lose him too.</p>
<p>Ahead of him the anomaly looked like a wall of lightning shooting down from the sky. It was so bright that he had to put his hand up to shield his eyes. </p>
<p>Three figures in strange space suits came through with guns drawn on him. They came back for him. </p>
<p>He had been training for this all year but he hadn't anticipated having to fight them here. Their suits must have protected them from the hallucinations because they did not waver. He could barely stand due to the constant memories flashing around him. He charged for them hoping that their orders not to kill him still stood. This was not his best fight. It was three against one. Three with suits and weapons against one with fists. They were able to throw him to the ground quickly. His head slammed into the mud.</p>
<p>"What do you want from me?" He pleaded, struggling to keep consciousness. </p>
<p>He passed out before they could answer.</p>
<p>
  <strong>The Room</strong>
</p>
<p>He woke up groggy, just as he had a year ago. The room was pure white with nothing in it but the chair he was tied to. He tried to move his arms but they were numb. He had been sedated. </p>
<p>At least 10 wires were attached to his head scanning some sort of data. He wanted desperately to rip them off. </p>
<p>Two men entered the room, his eyes followed them around the room. They had some sort of tablet likely where the data about him was collected. They did not say anything as they adjusted his chair from an upright to a laying down position. Bellamy growled. He couldn't speak. </p>
<p>"Bellamy Blake. Age 155. Born in the year 2126 on the Arc." The older man read out from the tablet. </p>
<p>"Physical age 30." The younger man added.</p>
<p>Bellamy listened, interested in just how much these strangers knew about him. How did they get this information?</p>
<p>"Bellamy Blake. You have been chosen to fight in the last war. You're the weapon." The older man explained. </p>
<p>Bellamy gathered the only strength he had left to speak, "I'm done fighting wars."</p>
<p>Both men chuckled for a moment before regaining their composure.</p>
<p>"I don't remember giving you an option?" The older one taunted him. </p>
<p>"Where is Octavia?" Bellamy stammered. </p>
<p>"Alive."</p>
<p>Bellamy scoffed.</p>
<p>The older man looked back down at his tablet, "Octavia Blake. Age 158. Born in the year 2132-"</p>
<p>"One hundred and fifty-eight?" Bellamy interrupted, "That can't be right." he mumbled to himself.</p>
<p>The younger man smirked, "Physical age 33."</p>
<p>The older man paced in front of Bellamy. He reminded him of an even darker version of Dante Wallace. He wasn't sure if it was the combination of the white room and the older man but it was eerily similar. He couldn't wrap his head around the numbers. How could these people have all of the information correct about him but not his sister?</p>
<p>"Time is a pretty incredible thing isn't it? You see, you've been gone for 365 days yes?" </p>
<p>Bellamy felt a lump in his throat.</p>
<p>"On your planet a year passed. On her planet a decade past. On this planet a week passed. On Alpha, days passed." The older man explained.  </p>
<p>The younger man couldn't wait to chime in, "Clarke doesn't even know you were gone."</p>
<p>"Get out of my head."</p>
<p>"Clarke Griffin. Alias Wanheda. Translation: The Commander of Death. Can't wait to meet her." </p>
<p>"Stop."</p>
<p>The older man tightened Bellamy's restraints, "It's fascinating how little you've thought about your actual girlfriend. She's spent 7 years searching for you."</p>
<p>He felt guilty about it. He had promised Echo that nothing would change when they arrived on the ground. The truth was, one disaster after another seemed to tear them apart. Every time something went wrong, they split up. They fought better apart. They strategized better apart. </p>
<p>"Is she okay?" He asked.</p>
<p>The men looked between each other before answering, "We lost contact with her. She was on this planet but now we don't know." </p>
<p>The fact that they admitted that was concerning for Bellamy. If they were admitting to him that she was fine and they didn't know where she was, they must have pretty good confidence in their ability to keep him locked away.</p>
<p>"It's time to get to work. I'm glad we could have this little chat. It's too bad you won't remember it."</p>
<p>The younger man pulled out a serum and injected it into Bellamy's arm. He passed out instantly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Hollow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His mind was transported into a completely dark room. The walls were metallic and shimmered when the faint light hit them. It was eerily silent other than his bare footsteps on the cold floor. He was terrified. What were they doing to his mind? Why did they say he was the weapon? Why did they make him survive on his own for a year? Was his family okay?</p><p>The floor started to shake and crack like an earthquake. He struggled to keep his balance. There was nothing for him to tether himself to. Pieces of the roof started to collapse letting in blinding light. He screamed but his voice was silent. His throat ached with every attempt to reach out for someone, anyone.</p><p>He fell through the floor quickly colliding with the cold floor of the Arc. His mother stood above him, looking at him with disgust. He scrambled to his feet. Dusting off his clothes which had changed into his guard uniform. He ran his fingers through his slicked-back hair.</p><p>"Look at you. A complete and utter failure." His mother taunted. The sound of her voice after all of these years nearly broke him. He backed away from her as far as he could. This wasn't real. She wouldn't say this to him. </p><p>"You should have helped the disciples of Bardo." She sneered, confusion ensued. This didn't ever happen. He didn't know who the disciples of Bardo were. </p><p>Bellamy's voice broke, "I don't know what you're talking about-"</p><p>"Failure." She repeated, breaking him down.</p><p>Maybe he was a failure. </p><p>"Disappointment." She echoed. </p><p>He covered his ears with his hands.</p><p>"The disciples of Bardo would guide you if you give in." She mused, digging her nails into his wrists.</p><p>"This isn't real. This isn't real." He whispered to himself desperate to drown her out. </p><p>He tried with all of his strength to fight the compulsion. He finally understood what they were doing. They were altering his memories to make him a follower of some sort. A zombified version of the worst parts of himself. He couldn't let them do it.</p><p>"This isn't real. This isn't real." He recited. </p><p>His mother rested her hand on his chin prompting him to look into her eyes. She was perfect and so real. He had missed her so much. She smiled at him slightly.</p><p>"Mom-"</p><p>"Bellamy" She replied her voice soft as butter. </p><p>He felt the tears that stained his cheeks. Why had he been crying? He couldn't remember.</p><p>"What mistake did you make?" She asked softly.</p><p>Bellamy answered without hesitation, "I should have helped the disciples. If I had let them guide me you wouldn't be dead."</p><p>She backed away, satisfied with his answer. She was proud of him.</p><p>"Tell me about what happened to me." She requested. </p><p>His voice was dull, "I didn't help the disciples. You were killed-"</p><p>"Who killed me?"</p><p>"The sky people." He snarled his voice sharp like glass. </p><p>The next thing he knew he was at the dropship campsite. The 100 were crafting weapons to use to fight the grounders. His eyes darted around the campsite. Jasper and Monty. They were his friends. </p><p>Were they his friends? </p><p>He saw a vision of them on the arc, standing silently as his mother was put into the airlock chamber.</p><p> Jasper appeared before him, startling him slightly. </p><p>"Do you know what you did to get here?" He sneered. Bellamy growled. He should have killed them. Both of them.</p><p>"You shot the chancellor." Monty taunted. Bellamy tried to remember. The disciples of Bardo helped him get revenge for his mother. They helped him shoot the chancellor.</p><p>"I should have shot you too."</p><p>A gun appeared in his hands. He raised it, closing his eyes before taking the shot at Jasper and Monty.</p><p>Now he was in a cave, chained to the floor. His sister was throwing punches at him. As each punch landed his anger grew. He could taste his blood on his lips. She did nothing to save his mom. She was the reason his mom was killed. He remembered telling her he wished that she had never been born. She screamed at him, blaming him for things he didn't do. He wanted to kill her.</p><p>The other sky people and grounders in the cave sat in silence, letting it happen. None of them cared about him. They used him. </p><p>He was transported to the conclave. A stupid game the grounders and sky people played. Echo was there, shooting arrows at him. He hated her. He remembered trying to kill her. He should have let her die.</p><p>He saw Murphy hanging him. He saw himself attempting to drown Murphy during the red sun. </p><p>Revenge was sweet.</p><p>The memories of each person that passed by made his need for revenge grow. </p><p>He saw Emori, Harper, Kane, Abby, Gabriel, and Raven. They each betrayed him. </p><p>The final place he found himself was underneath a cedar tree. Clarke was there, resting quietly. His heart felt warm for the first time. </p><p>"Bellamy...I need you." She whispered. He felt home.</p><p>"Clarke I need you-" </p><p>He could feel something internally tugging him away from her. He desperately tried to fight it, to stay in this moment.</p><p>"You've got such a big heart, Bellamy." </p><p> Bellamy shook his head, "No...Clarke please don't go." </p><p>She gently rested her soft hand on his cheek. He leaned into it, savoring her touch for a moment.</p><p>"Clarke please-"</p><p>Her gaze turned to ice. He reached out for her, begging her to stay over and over again. She was the only person alive that he could remember caring for. </p><p>When he squeezed her hand her gaze relaxed again, "I'm here." he lulled. </p><p>Tears fell from her eyes, "Let me go."</p><p>He couldn't do it, not her. </p><p>"The disciples-"</p><p>"Stop-" He begged. </p><p>"If there is anyone that you hate the most in this world. It's me." </p><p>He fought it, "I don't hate you."</p><p>She was covered in blood now. The blood of everyone she had killed. Wanheda, the commander of death.</p><p>"Do you remember when I made you pull the lever in Mount Weather? Do you remember when I let Gina die? Do you remember when I left you to die in Octavia's fighting pit?"</p><p>He shook his head. </p><p>"You have no one. You don't have a family or friends."</p><p>His heart went cold. </p><p>"I told you when you're in charge people die." He answered. </p><p>He felt nothing but hatred towards her and it made him feel undeniably hollow.</p><p>Then, he woke up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Target</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, guys just an update! This is going on a little bit longer than I have anticipated because I'm really enjoying writing it. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read it. Thank you!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He woke up to the fresh smell of coffee. He was never one to drink coffee, but he had the worst headache that morning. It felt like a hangover mixed with a minor concussion. He couldn't remember much about the previous night. He shrugged it off, it probably was just a hangover.</p>
<p>He wasn't quite sure who came into his room and put the coffee machine on while he was sleeping, but he was grateful. His room was small, white walls and white furniture. His bed was small too, only a twin size. It was good enough.  He noticed a note next to the coffee machine addressed to him. He took a sip and broke the official General's seal. </p>
<p>
  <em>Bellamy Blake. Report to headquarters at 0800 hours to receive your new orders.</em>
</p>
<p>He folded the letter and looked at his digital clock. It was 7:45 am.</p>
<p>Bellamy quickly got dressed in his porcelain white uniform. He grabbed his guns and knives off off the counter on the way out. </p>
<p>Several people greeted him in the corridors to headquarters. He didn't reply. He felt nothing towards them. It was impossible to feel anything towards anyone since his mom died.</p>
<p>Bellamy swiped his key card to open the door to the main headquarters control room. General Anders was stood in the middle of the chaos. At least 10 of his soldiers were scrambling. He could hear various conversations about anomaly travel data and updates from various units. 

When General Anders saw Bellamy, he ushered for him to enter.</p>
<p>"We were a bit worried about you." The General said, resting his hand on Bellamy's shoulder, "You failed to use proper protocol when you returned. Your memory is a bit fuzzy but it should adjust back soon."</p>
<p>Bellamy tried to recall everything that happened, but there were parts of his memory missing. He remembered being dropped off on the new planet. He was left alone, likely due to a survival training exercise.</p>
<p>"Normally I would give you a few days rest before sending you on your next mission but, this is one only you can do."</p>
<p>Bellamy followed the General to his desk at the front of the room. Three computer monitors towered over piles of documents. </p>
<p>"Your mission is as follows. Find and extract Clarke Griffin from Sanctum to Bardo by any means necessary." </p>
<p>An image of Clarke appeared on the second computer monitor. Her hair was long and wavy. There was information attached to her file about her combat abilities, alias, family, and location. Just seeing her face made him cold.</p>
<p>The General seemed to sense Bellamy's rage, "Your orders are to extract her from Sanctum alive. A corpse won't help us."</p>
<p>"Yes sir," Bellamy replied. He wasn't going to argue his orders. Clarke would get what was coming for her someday. He could wait. </p>
<p>"Do you remember your previous mission to Sanctum?" The General asked, handing him the mission file. He paged through it briefly, completely confused. </p>
<p>Bellamy shook his head, "It's a bit of a blur. Probably from the time dilation."</p>
<p>"You were tasked with extracting Clarke Griffin. You failed. However, you did manage to infiltrate their circle. They still think you are friends. You need to play along in order to get her out of there." He answered, handing Bellamy a stack of dirty clothes. There was a huge sweater, black jeans, and a black t-shirt. The items were full of holes and tears. They had stains on them that he couldn't pinpoint where they had come from. There was no way these were his.</p>
<p>He accepted the clothes reluctantly, struggling to imagine how he would be able to pull this mission off. No wonder why he failed the last one. </p>
<p>The General didn't give him much time to dwell on it, "Grab your suit. You're leaving in 20 minutes."</p>
<p>
  <strong>Planet Alpha</strong>
</p>
<p>The anomaly dropped him off near Gabriel's tent. He scanned his helmet for coordinates to Sanctum and began the trek. It took a few hours on foot so he passed the time by trying to recall his last two missions. He didn't remember much. </p>
<p>He stopped when he arrived at the radiation shield. Miller was stood on the other side with his gun drawn. Two other guards followed suit, shouting to him to put his hands up. He tried to come up with something to say. His helmet locked on to Miller, providing Bellamy with everything he needed to know about Miller and their relationship from the previous mission.</p>
<p>"Miller it's just me." He shouted. Miller seemed to recognize his voice but signaled to Bellamy to remove the helmet. He reluctantly took it off, revealing his face.</p>
<p>Miller lowered the radiation shield and met him on the other side. Before Bellamy could move, Miller pulled him in for a quick hug. Bellamy was stiff and unsure of what to make of the situation. He settled on a quick pat on the back. </p>
<p>Miller led Bellamy up to the palace. He rambled on about some drama between Jackson and Murphy over the death of Clarke's mom, and then told Bellamy all about the new house they were living in. Bellamy tried his best to pay attention but absolutely nothing interested him.</p>
<p>He figured it was best to get to the point.</p>
<p>"Where is Clarke?" He asked, interrupting Miller.</p>
<p>Miller sighed, "Probably back at the house. She's been having a tough time since her mom died. I'm sure she will be grateful to have you back."</p>
<p>Bellamy was eager to get there, "Lead the way." </p>
<p>About an hour later he could see a huge yellow farmhouse on the horizon. It had a white porch that wrapped around it and a huge backyard. There was a picnic blanket sprawled out where Niylah, Indra, and Gaia were spending time reading. They gave him strange looks for a moment when they saw the suit he was wearing the bug-like helmet he had under his arm. He could tell they had many questions, so he just slipped into the house. 

His goal was to get Clarke out of there as soon as possible. If he could do that, he wouldn't have to deal with any of their questions. </p>
<p>He quickly realized that was going to be easier said than done.</p>
<p>Almost everyone he ever knew and hated lived in this farmhouse. There were so many of them. He couldn't find a single room that wasn't currently occupied by someone. There were eyes on every exit.</p>
<p>"Nice suit!" Raven said, rushing over to inspect the tech. She reached for his helmet causing him to tense so she backed off.</p>
<p>"Sorry, where the hell have you been? What's up with your face and hair?" She asked. He tried to remember how much time had passed here. It had likely only been a few days.</p>
<p>Thankfully, Madi interrupted them, running up to Bellamy and embracing him. He must have been a good hugger on this last mission, everyone wanted to hug him. It was getting annoying.</p>
<p>"Thank God you're home. Clarke could really use your support right now." She mumbled into the hug. Bellamy awkwardly pried her off of him.</p>
<p>"Where is she?" He asked. Madi grabbed his hand, leading him up the stairs.</p>
<p>He could feel his heart racing as he got closer. He had absolutely no plan. What kind of soldier goes into a mission with no plan?</p>
<p>When they reached the end of the hallway, Madi knocked on the white doors.</p>
<p>"Clarke it's me. Bellamy is back." She said through the door.</p>
<p>Clarke was at the door in seconds, her eyes were bloodshot and tear-stained when they met his. She looked horrible. </p>
<p>He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed Madi had left. Clarke looked at him with the expectation that maybe he would say or do something to help her. Instead, he walked around her into the large master bedroom. She followed him inside, closing the door behind them.</p>
<p>"You can keep your stuff in here if you want." She offered, clearly noticing his reluctance to put the helmet down. He gently rested it on the dresser. </p>
<p>"Thank you." He replied. She sat on the bed, wrapping the robe she was wearing around herself tighter. </p>
<p>She picked up on his short response, "We picked rooms while you guys were gone but there are still two left. There is one down the hall that you and Echo can have if you'd like." 

She seemed to be taking back her offer for him to keep his stuff in her room. He wasn't sure if it was because she decided that she didn't want him to stay there or because she realized it was probably a bad idea for him to stay with her. Apparently he started dating Echo on his previous mission? He couldn't even picture it without feeling physically ill.</p>
<p>He decided to make the choice for them, "I'd like to stay here if that's okay."</p>
<p>There was a spark in her eyes that he hadn't seen since he had returned. A part of him felt like he had seen that spark before. He brushed it off.</p>
<p>Clarke got up and started to give Bellamy a tour of the bedroom. The room was enormous. A gold chandelier with what looked like crystals hung from the ceiling above the king-sized bed. The walls were a simple beige with a few paintings hung up around the room. The bed was covered in white and gold pillows and blankets. There were two closets on either side of the room and one bathroom in the middle. A small mattress that clearly was not intended to be in the room was on the floor next to the master bed.</p>
<p>"You're welcome to sleep on the floor mattress. Madi's staying here too so she and I can just share the bed." She explained. </p>
<p>"Thank you." He replied.</p>
<p>She smiled slightly.</p>
<p>He broke her stare to take a look at the digital clock on the dresser. It was only the middle of the afternoon. His best bet was to try and extract Clarke overnight. All he had to do was get through a few more hours with the sky people and then he would be out of there for good.</p>
<p>He decided to take a quick shower. He couldn't stand to be in those disgusting clothes General Anders had made him wear.</p>
<p>He wrapped a towel around himself and stepped back out into the bedroom. Clarke was facing away from him, running her hands across the glass on the helmet. She was surprised when he grabbed her hand, pulling it off of the helmet. Her touch felt like a jolt of electricity and for a moment longer than he should have, he held onto it. </p>
<p>"When are you going to tell me what happened to you? What happened to the others?" She asked, her voice low. He noticed her struggling to keep her eyes from wandering away from his. He stepped closer, making her breath hitch.</p>
<p>He decided to use her vulnerability to his advantage.</p>
<p>"It was the anomaly. I went in after Octavia and Echo. It spit me out in this spacesuit. I have no idea what happened to them or myself so I came back here." He lied. She didn't question him further.</p>
<p>"Raven will need to examine the helmet and suit. The tech looks pretty advanced." She replied, pulling her hand gently away from his. </p>
<p>He picked up the helmet and headed for the closet, "She can look at it tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to rest." </p>
<p>She didn't argue with him. For all she knew, tomorrow would be another day.</p>
<p>"Dinner's ready!" Madi called from the other side of the bedroom doors. </p>
<p>Everyone gathered around the dining room table for dinner. Raven and Indra had made some type of meat stew. He had to admit it was pretty good. There was never a quiet moment at the table. Between Raven, Murphy, and Madi the conversation never ended. He tuned out most of it, instead of keeping his attention on Clarke. She was sat across from him and clearly disengaged for all of the conversations. She and Bellamy were the only ones who didn't laugh at any of Murphy's jokes.</p>
<p>"Clarke, can I stay with Gaia tonight?" Madi begged as dinner was coming to a close. This sparked Bellamy's attention. Clarke looked at Bellamy for help, clearly reluctant to let the child out of her sight.</p>
<p>"Madi wants to do some mental training exercises and drawings tonight. I don't mind having her." Gaia added. </p>
<p>Clarke was visibly still a bit concerned.</p>
<p>"Clarke, we'll be right down the hall. I think its a great idea." Bellamy assured her. Clarke relaxed and nodded to Madi that it was okay. </p>
<p>When dinner wrapped up everyone began to find their way to their respective bedrooms. Clarke spoke to Gaia softly by the staircase, likely making sure that Madi wouldn't stay up all night.</p>
<p>Bellamy followed Clarke back to their room. He changed into some pajamas from the closet and made himself comfortable on the floor mattress. Clarke tucked herself into the king-sized mattress. She was surrounded by huge pillows and fluffy blankets. She laid down on her side, facing him. He chose to face her as well, not willing to turn his back on her. Now, he just had to wait for everyone to fall asleep.</p>
<p>"Bellamy?" She whispered. He grunted in response. </p>
<p>"I can't make you sleep on that awful mattress." She stated. He struggled to figure out what she was insinuating. Was she just being polite? Had they been <em>together</em> at some point during his last mission? She had been so gentle with him from the moment he returned. After all of the horrible things she had put him through, why did she seem to deeply care?</p>
<p>Clarke shifted uncomfortably, "Sorry, I meant I'll take the floor mattress if you want this one-"</p>
<p>"Let's just share." He blurted out, stunning her. He tried to justify his response in his head as simply giving himself a better opportunity to grab her in the night, but a part of him felt like it was more than that. </p>
<p>He couldn't shake the feeling that a part of him was desperately reaching out for her.</p>
<p>He climbed in on the far side of the bed, turning onto his side to face the middle of the bed. She rolled over as well, her eyes immediately locking with his. </p>
<p>"Thank you again for saving my life." She whispered. He had no idea what she was talking about.</p>
<p>"I know I don't always show it but, I am grateful." She continued. His heart pounded in his chest. </p>
<p>He didn't know what to say. Frustration at the lack of memories and feelings he had was becoming overwhelming.</p>
<p>They laid in silence for a while. He watched her as she struggled to fall asleep. She would open her eyes slightly from time to time to see if he was still awake. He would pretend that he wasn't to avoid conversation. Eventually, she rolled over and began to cry. It was muffled at first but it quickly turned into choked sobs. He was frozen in place, unsure of what to do. He needed her to quit crying and fall asleep. 

<em>It's probably because of her mom.</em> He thought.</p>
<p>He couldn't ignore it anymore. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. He rested his cheek against hers and rocked her back and forth. Her hands clutched onto his, squeezing them as hard as she could. He whispered to her that it was okay over and over again.</p>
<p>They laid like that for nearly 20 minutes before she eventually fell asleep.</p>
<p>Bellamy quietly slipped out of bed and put on the anomaly suit. When he emerged from the bathroom, he couldn't help but notice how the moonlight looked on her face. A part of him felt like it was wrong to disrupt her peaceful sleep, but he had his orders.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." He whispered, lifting her into his arms and carrying her out of the bedroom. She stirred for a moment but then relaxed when she instinctively sensed it was him. He struggled to wrap his mind around the complete safety and trust she seemed to have for him as he carried her out of the house and into the cover of the woods.</p>
<p>He must have walked for several miles before he needed to set her down. She was bound to wake up soon, but she wouldn't be able to find her way home in the cover of darkness. Bellamy carefully set her down amongst the leaves and secured her to a tree with rope. </p>
<p>That finally woke her up.</p>
<p>Clarke jumped awake in a state of shock and panic. She immediately wrestled with the binds behind her back. Eventually, her survival instincts kicked in allowing her to take in her surroundings and him. </p>
<p>"Bellamy?!" She asked, her voice shaking in disbelief. He took off his helmet.</p>
<p>"What the hell is going on?" She asked, complete confusion washing over her. </p>
<p>Bellamy stayed silent, unsure of what to say. Should he tell her where they were going? Should he tell her he had been lying to her on his previous mission? How could he tell her he was lying to her if he didn't even remember that mission or what the lies were?</p>
<p>Clarke persisted, "Bellamy. Why am I tied up? Where are you taking me?"</p>
<p>He sat across from her, emotionless. Her jaw dropped slightly as if she was seeing who he actually was for the very first time.</p>
<p>"What happened to you?" She asked, concern for him written across her face. She looked terrified of the answer. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry it had to be like this." He began, "I have orders to extract you from Sanctum to Bardo."</p>
<p>"Whose orders?"</p>
<p>"Not your concern." He cautioned. </p>
<p>She was quiet.</p>
<p>"On your feet." He ordered, grabbing her by her arm and hoisting her onto her feet. She struggled with him, kicking and thrashing. She was a resilient fighter, he remembered that.</p>
<p>He started to get annoyed, "Just walk, Clarke."</p>
<p>She didn't listen.</p>
<p>Bellamy pulled her for the next mile. She would try to run away but his grip on her was too strong. She tried screaming for help at one point, but it was useless too. </p>
<p>He noticed that she had been quiet for a long period of time. He turned around assuming that she was up to something.</p>
<p>He found her walking behind him normally, but her eyes had been fixated on the back of his neck.</p>
<p>"Did they put a mind drive in you?" She asked.</p>
<p>"Of course not." He grumbled.</p>
<p>She started to walk a little bit slower. Probably trying to buy time before they reached the anomaly.</p>
<p>"This isn't who you are." She insisted.</p>
<p>
  <em> You're wrong. This is who I've always been and I let you and Kane convince me that we could trust these people when they've shown over and over who they are.</em>
</p>
<p>He hated her for reminding him of that moment and he hated himself for letting his guard down with her. She was exactly the same person who betrayed him after Gina died. </p>
<p>Clarke must have been able to tell that she hit a nerve with him so she didn't speak for the rest of the trip. He probably would have killed her if she had.</p>
<p>The anomaly portal was still open when they made it back to Gabriel's tent. Bellamy dug up a helmet he had left behind for her and placed it over her head. She tried to shake it off but it was too heavy.</p>
<p>He checked his coordinates for Bardo on his helmet and started to program the code for the planet when Clarke attacked him. Somehow she had managed to free her hands from the rope and jump on his back. They struggled for a bit as he desperately tried to get her off of him. He attempted to reach for his gun but she kicked it out of his hand. </p>
<p>They were inching closer and closer to the anomaly as he spun trying to shake her off. She wouldn't let go, throwing punches to the side of his helmet. He stumbled forward as the coordinates for Bardo that were loading mixed up from her impact. He tried to reach for his helmet but it was too late, they had fallen into the anomaly together.</p>
<p>He had no idea where they were headed now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Deja Vu</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bellamy could barely catch his breath when the anomaly spat them out onto the forest floor. Clarke fell off of his back, tumbling onto the ground. She was disoriented,  but she managed to get up and start running. </p>
<p>"You're going to get yourself lost or killed!" He called after her to no avail. She couldn't hear him. Instead, she took off her helmet and threw it to the ground. When he caught up to the helmet, he stopped briefly to pick it up. She was pretty smart, he would give her that. She must have assumed that the helmet would have some sort of tracking device in it. She was right.</p>
<p>He lost sight of her a few times, but it wasn't long before he began to catch up to her when the hallucinations set in.  </p>
<p>"Shut up!" He heard her shout from ahead. He was catching up to her now, watching her stumble and grasp onto trees to try to find her bearings.</p>
<p>"I never wanted any of this to happen to you!" She shouted into the void. She was clutching onto her ears now, trying to drown out the voices. </p>
<p>Bellamy found her kneeling on the ground, rocking back and forth. </p>
<p>He hoisted her off of the ground, slapping the helmet back on her head and throwing her over his shoulder. Her body instantly relaxed when the hallucinations stopped. </p>
<p>"Where are we?" She asked breathlessly as he carried her.</p>
<p>"Not on Bardo." He replied, "You made sure of that."</p>
<p>He could sense her smirk from under her helmet. It was infuriating. </p>
<p>"We are on a survival planet. I was sent here to train not too long ago. You busted up my helmet pretty badly on the way in so I'm going to have to try to fix it if we have any hope of getting out of here on our own terms." He explained.</p>
<p>"On our own terms?" She asked.</p>
<p>Bellamy sighed, "If I'm gone too long the disciples will realize something is wrong and come for us."</p>
<p>Clarke was quiet for the rest of the journey through the forest. </p>
<p>When they finally made it out of the forest, Augustus was sat there, barking and growling at him. </p>
<p>"Gus?" He asked, setting Clarke down for a moment to reach out for the dog. Clarke didn't run off again. He was her only hope of getting off this planet so there was no point in fighting him anymore.</p>
<p>The dog growled and lunged at his hands making him recoil. He took off the helmet, assuming that was what upset Gus, it wasn't.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Gus." Clarke cooed. He leaned into her outstretched hand, allowing her to pet his head.</p>
<p>Augustus followed them back to the treehouse, keeping his distance from Bellamy. He had to admit it hurt him. From what he could remember, Gus was his dog. He had taken care of him and given him a place to live. It didn't make any sense why he would hate him now. </p>
<p>He had been so easily distracted by his dog that he failed to realize what Clarke had noticed until it was too late. They were not alone.</p>
<p>Clarke took her shot, pinning Bellamy to the dirt while three figures with guns drawn emerged from the brush. He groaned.</p>
<p>"Bellamy?" Echo called out, running to his side.</p>
<p>Clarke kept him pinned to the ground.</p>
<p>"What are you doing? Get off of him." Echo demanded. Her hair was shorter and her face was rough. She had clearly been through a lot of trauma and a lot of time.</p>
<p>Clarke didn't move, "You have to listen to me. They did something to him. This isn't our Bellamy."</p>
<p>Echo looked between Bellamy and Clarke, unsure of who she should trust.</p>
<p>"Help me get him into the treehouse and I'll explain." Clarke demanded. Gabriel obliged, lifting him off of the ground and carrying him up into the treehouse. They tied him in the corner of the room and removed his helmet and suit. </p>
<p>"Who's this?" Clarke asked, gesturing to the young woman with short white hair. </p>
<p>"Hope Diyoza." She greeted, "It's really amazing to meet you, Clarke. Octavia told me a lot of stories."</p>
<p>Clarke looked shocked for a moment, trying to wrap her head around how Hope was 20 years old when just a few days ago she hadn't even been born yet. She must have decided not to worry about it too much yet. There would be time for questions later.</p>
<p>Clarke smiled slightly, "It's nice to meet you too."</p>
<p>"I don't understand how are you here? What happened to you guys?" Clarke asked, glancing between Hope and Gabriel. </p>
<p>"We'll explain later," Gabriel replied, glancing over to Bellamy. It was a smart move keeping your enemy in the dark. Bellamy respected it.</p>
<p>Echo was visibly distraught, pacing back and forth. Clarke noticed this, breaking the conversation with Hope and Gabriel to pull her aside.</p>
<p>"This tech is incredible." Gabriel mused, examining his helmet. Bellamy rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>He couldn't hear what the women were discussing until Clarke called over the Gabriel letting him know that they were going to go downstairs.</p>
<p>Hope and Gabriel stayed with him, watching him for what felt like an eternity.</p>
<p>When Clarke and Echo came back upstairs, they asked Hope to stand guard outside. She obliged.</p>
<p>"So this is going to be an interrogation then?" Bellamy taunted them. He didn't know what they expected to gain from this. It didn't matter. The disciples would be back as soon as they realized he didn't make it back to Bardo on time. They would find his coordinates and get them the hell out of there. The only problem was that time moved slower on this planet than it did on Bardo and Sanctum. He would likely be stuck here for at least a few weeks.</p>
<p>Clarke took a seat in front of him, crossing her arms.</p>
<p>"Echo says that you were taken right after Octavia disappeared. What happened?" Clarke asked. </p>
<p>Starting off with the easy questions, "I told you. I went on a year-long training mission on this planet. When I came back to Bardo I was given orders to complete my previous mission to Sanctum to extract you to Bardo."</p>
<p>Echo was growing impatient, "That makes absolutely no sense."</p>
<p>Bellamy groaned, "Well that's what happened. Take it or leave it. I don't care."</p>
<p>Clarke sat for a moment in thought, articulating her next move. Gabriel listened intently, studying him.</p>
<p>"He's not chipped?" Gabriel asked Clarke. She shook her head.</p>
<p>"I already checked that. No evidence of a mind drive on his neck or night blood." </p>
<p>Gabriel circled him, "When Hope came through the anomaly, she suffered from memory loss, but this doesn't seem like just a memory loss."</p>
<p>He knelt down close to Bellamy's face.</p>
<p>"Tell me about the night in the tent." Gabriel requested. Bellamy sat still, unwavering.</p>
<p>"I have memory loss from that mission I don't remember any of it. I went through the anomaly incorrectly-"</p>
<p>"That's not how it works. Hope got her memory back as soon as she returned to Sky Ring. You should have got your memory back when you returned to Sanctum." Gabriel argued. </p>
<p>Bellamy didn't want to believe him, "No, that's not how it works."</p>
<p>"That's exactly how it works." Echo growled. Her emotions and frustrations were starting to take a toll.</p>
<p>Gabriel pressed on, "Tell me about the night in my tent."</p>
<p>He tried his best to remember it but nothing came to mind, "I have no idea what you are talking about."</p>
<p>Gabriel leaned back, "Fine, I'll tell you about it. You had just dropped everything to save Clarke from Josephine. You brought her to me and we wiped Josephine's mind drive. We had to kill Clarke to get Josephine out of her head but Clarke wouldn't wake up. You never gave up even when Octavia and I had. You told her you needed her, that you couldn't lose her again, and that you weren't letting her go."</p>
<p>Bellamy felt like his heart shattered. He couldn't remember any of the things Gabriel had just told him, but he felt the emotion from it. He could feel the desperation, love, and happiness he must have felt that night. </p>
<p>Everyone in the treehouse could see that Gabriel had gotten through to Bellamy.</p>
<p>Echo left the room, clearly hurt. He couldn't blame her. Clarke was silent, her face growing paler by the minute.</p>
<p>"That's why I thanked you for saving my life last night," Clarke added softly. It made sense.</p>
<p>Gabriel looked between Clarke and Bellamy. Neither of them said a word for what felt like hours. He studied her, pushing himself to understand how he could care about someone like her. She had done nothing but hurt him. </p>
<p>His eyes stung with the tears that threatened to fall, "You left me to die."</p>
<p>She struggled to catch her breath, realizing that he remembered that. Gabriel took a few steps back, giving them space.</p>
<p>"So that's true then?" Bellamy asked, anger dripping from his tongue like broken glass. She looked away, unable to look at him.</p>
<p>"You forgave me-"</p>
<p>He scoffed, "I would never."</p>
<p>Gabriel rested a hand on Clarke's shoulder to comfort her and get her to stop for the night. He felt a tinge as soon as Gabriel's hand rested there, like deja vu. </p>
<p>Clarke looked up at Gabriel and gave him an exhausted smile, understanding. </p>
<p>She wiped a stray tear from her eye as she stood up, "It's late. We'll pick this up in the morning."</p>
<p>He fell asleep as soon as they left. This had been the most exhausting 24 hours, but his sleep was short-lived. Clarke, Gabriel, and Echo were back first thing in the morning with breakfast and more questions.</p>
<p>Echo started the interrogation, rambling on about memories from a time in space. He couldn't remember anything about her past the point of choking her during the conclave. She talked about everything she, Gabriel, and Hope had been through to get here. They had been on Penance and Bardo, but they were never able to find him. Echo had hit a breaking point, killing anyone who got in her way to find him. </p>
<p>He found himself mindlessly arguing with her now. She was screaming at him about how much she loved him. He felt nothing.</p>
<p>Their voices raised sending the birds that had been perched on the tree flying off into the valley. Echo snapped, throwing punching at him. Gabriel and Clarke raced to pull her off of him. He laughed spitting blood.</p>
<p>"Echo enough," Clarke begged.</p>
<p>Echo chuckled, "You have no idea what I've been through to get him back. It's so easy for you."</p>
<p>Clarke looked confused, "What's easy for me?"</p>
<p>Echo looked between Bellamy and Clarke now, Gabriel seemed to understand.</p>
<p>"He listens to you. He tries to remember things about you. He won't even give me a chance." Echo explained.</p>
<p>Bellamy sat back, cocking his head to the side, knowing it would anger her.</p>
<p>"Echo, he's not the same they've done something to him, you can't just blame him for-"</p>
<p>Echo rested her hand on her forehead in frustration, "It's more than that, Clarke. He loves you. That's why he's trying. They can erase his memories, they can alter his mind, but they can't take his deepest fear and desire. He may not understand it now, but it's still there."</p>
<p>Gabriel took Echo outside after that, leaving Clarke and Bellamy alone for a moment. She knelt down next to him, wiping the blood off of his cheek with a torn piece of her shirt. He winced in pain, the adrenaline from the moment wearing off and allowing him to feel the pain. She took a knife and cut the rope binding him to the floor of the treehouse.</p>
<p>He closed his eyes, allowing her to gently clean up his wounds. </p>
<p>"Is what Echo said true?" Clarke whispered. He opened his eyes to meet hers. Her hand was still resting on his cheek and their faces were only a few inches apart. She looked hopeful, and a part of him want to tell her that it was true, but he also couldn't stop seeing all of the horrible things she had done to him every time they looked at each other.</p>
<p>He wrapped his hand around her wrist, pulling her hand away from his face, "When I look at you, I feel hatred. I want to kill you for what you've done to me," He began, her face started to fall, "but at the same time, I feel a part of me that wants to gravitate towards you. I don't understand it, but I want to. It's the only thing that makes me believe that what you all are saying is true. There is a part of me missing, but I start to feel a little bit more whole when I'm with you."</p>
<p>He relaxed his grip on her wrist but still held it. She took the opportunity to lace their hands together. He felt like his whole body was on fire and he could see that she felt it too. He hadn't thought that he was capable of loving anyone anymore, but looking into her eyes as she squeezed his hand he wasn't so sure.</p>
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  <em>A memory he hadn't seen before took over. He was stood on a rocky beach with Clarke by his side. She was younger, but still just as beautiful. She was looking out into the ocean, talking to him about his sister.</em>
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      <em>"She'll come around and see how special you are." She told him nervously. He felt himself turn towards her, his heart racing at the moment. He could feel himself wanting to tell her right then and there that he loved her.</em>
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                <em>"Is he alright?" She asked desperately. He could feel the sweat covering him as he struggled to catch his breath.</em>
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                <em>Gabriel tried to hold him still, "He remembered something."</em>
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                <em>He pushed Gabriel off of him and breathlessly grabbed Clarke by the sides of her face. He felt his self-control slipping away. She looked terrified, unsure of what he was going to do. Before either of them could react, he pulled her face into his, smashing her with a kiss he could feel was long overdue. Her muscles relaxed as she sunk into the kiss. He pulled her closer, running his fingers through her hair.</em>
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                  <em>"You're too important to me." She had said to him<em></em></em>
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                        <em>She gently pulled away from the kiss, winded and shocked. Gabriel was speechless, clearly feeling like he had witnessed something he probably wasn't supposed to.</em>
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                        <em>"Clarke, I can't promise you that I'm going to get better. I don't know if I'm going to ever remember everything, but I've just remembered enough to know that I am undeniably in love with you. I want to remember everything about you. The few memories I have of you are the most real emotions I've ever felt." He admitted, unable to stop himself from holding her. She looked to Gabriel for hope. It must have seemed too good to be true.</em>
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<p>"Mind alteration." Gabriel replied, "They altered his memories somehow. I don't know how they pulled it off, but I may have a guess. He seems to have pockets of information split into two categories. The first is horrible and real memories of all of us and the second are fabricated through some type of hypnosis." He explained. </p>
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<p>"How would they even do that without a mind drive?" Clarke asked as she helped Bellamy to his feet.</p>
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<p>Gabriel chuckled to himself, "Anomaly toxin. Of course, they would use that."</p>
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<p>"Let's say you're right. How would we fix it?" Bellamy asked. </p>
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<p>Gabriel shook his head, "I don't know. I'm sure they must have some sort of antidote or reverse hypnosis back on Bardo. No one would be stupid enough to create something like that without a way to reverse it."</p>
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<p>He turned to Bellamy, "Do you know?"</p>
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<p>Bellamy shook his head. </p>
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<p>"I have a plan." Clarke began, "but it's risky."</p>
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                        <em>Bellamy and Gabriel encouraged her to go on. He was willing to do anything to get his memories back. He had just had a small taste of what his true memories were like. He would die to get them back.</em>
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                        <em>"When they come for us, which you said they will, you will have me as your hostage. Echo, Gabriel, and Hope will be hiding and ready to attack. Once they subdue the disciples they will put on the suits and come in with us, pretending to be the guards that were sent in. Then, you and I will try to find the antidote. If you can convince them that you are still on their side, we should have access to everything we need." She explained eagerly. It was a good plan, not without a million ways it could fail, but it was the best they had.</em>
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                        <em>"I'm in," Gabriel said.</em>
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                        <em>"Let's get started then," Bellamy replied, locking eyes with Clarke. </em>
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                        <em>Everything was starting to feel right again like he was exactly where he was meant to be.</em>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Plan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bellamy etched in some new tallies on the tree. If his calculations were correct, it would be two weeks on this planet before the disciples would realize that he didn't make it back. They had been here for three days already. Eating, training, and learning. He taught them about everything he knew about the Bardoian compound. They tried to jog his memories back. </p><p>He hadn't had another memory flashback since the day with Clarke in the treehouse. They hadn't spoken about the kiss and he couldn't help but feel like she was trying to keep her distance from him. He wanted to ask her about it, but it never felt like the right time. She hadn't had a chance to respond to his declaration of love either, which was worrisome. He had a lot of time to think that night and couldn't help but feel like she thought it was a spur of the moment.</p><p>He wanted all of his memories back. He was tired listening to them tell him about all of the incredible things he had done. He wanted to feel those things and remember them himself. He was still haunted by the darkness within him. It was difficult to shake the horrible things that they had done to him when he knew those were real. He asked them to tie him up at night just to be safe. </p><p>Gabriel seemed to think that most of Bellamy's memories from Bardo were fabricated. This made it difficult for them to trust anything he suggested about the layout of the compound or anomaly travel. He was beginning to question it himself. </p><p>"They've given you the information that they need you to know. Nothing more and nothing less." Gabriel had said. </p><p>It was funny coming from a guy who helped create the mind drives and kill innocent people to live on for centuries. He used that against Gabriel one day, Hope snapped at him about it.</p><p>He hadn't spoken to Echo very much since everything happened. She apologized for punching him and he accepted her apology. He was pretty sure she still didn't know that he kissed Clarke. Gabriel, Clarke, and Bellamy seemed to have an unsaid pact not to mention it. He didn't really want to get punched again if they did.</p><p>He glanced over at Clarke who was sat with Gus in the meadow. She was drawing with a scratch piece of paper she found in one of the suit pockets. He quietly took a seat next to them, peering over to see the valley that she was drawing.</p><p>"That's amazing." He mused.</p><p>She looked up from her drawing for a moment, "Thank you."</p><p>He gave her a small smile.</p><p>Gus rested his head on her leg, growling a little bit when he made eye contact. Gus must sense that he's not the same person who left him here. He hoped that that would change.</p><p>"It's kind of nice dealing with all of this," She began, "You know, all of this world ending, battling our enemies stuff."</p><p>He looked at her quizzically.</p><p>"It's just...my mom," She clarified, "Everything that we are dealing with right now is distracting me from facing what happened to her. If you hadn't brought me here, I would probably still be in my room crying. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for a happy ending. Or am I destined to repeat history over and over again until no one is left?"</p><p>He thought for a moment, taking in everything that she had said. He felt guilty for dragging her into this and putting her in danger, but at the same time, he couldn't help but think about how broken she looked when she opened those bedroom doors.</p><p>"I don't think you are destined to repeat history," He said, resting his hand on hers, "I just don't think you've found your happy ending yet."</p><p>She squeezed his hand briefly before letting it go to pick up her pencil again and continued sketching.</p><p>"Can I asked you something?" He asked. She nodded, giving him her attention once more.</p><p>He took a moment to find the right words.</p><p>"I just wanted to know where you are at after...you know...what happened between us the other night." He asked nervously.</p><p>She was quiet.</p><p>"That was a life-altering moment for me. I want you to know that I meant every word that I said. It may have seemed like it happened in the heat of the moment, but I don't regret any of it." He rambled. He could feel his heart wanting to burst out of his chest.</p><p>Clarke took a deep breath, "You have no idea how long I waited for that moment."</p><p>He was hopeful.</p><p>"But," she continued, "your memories aren't the same as mine right now. You told me that you love me after getting 3 memories back. You haven't remembered anything about your relationship with Echo yet. I just can't put myself in a position to get hurt when this is all over if you choose her again."</p><p>He tried to object but she stopped him.</p><p>"I still feel like I'm talking to your ghost." She whispered. </p><p>Digging a knife into his chest would have hurt less.</p><p>He wanted to hold her again and tell her that she was wrong, but he knew deep down that everything she was saying was true. It wasn't fair for him to play with her emotions. He was terrified that he would never get his memories back. 

What would happen between them then?</p><p>He didn't ask her. Instead, he left her alone to draw with Gus. He looked back once more, taking in how beautiful she looked tucked into the meadow. How could anyone not be in love with her?</p><p>Another few days passed with the same routine. They spent this evening gathered around a fire. Hope, Echo, and Gabriel described the 7 years that they spent between Bardo and Penance. They were never able to access much of the Bardoian compound. The disciples tried to capture them but they were able to escape in stolen suits and transport themselves to this planet. They hadn't been here long before he and Clarke showed up.</p><p>"How much time has passed on Sanctum since we've been gone? Has anyone noticed that we were missing?" Echo asked Clarke. She shook her head.</p><p>"It was only about a day. We didn't question anything until Bellamy showed up alone in the suit. I wonder if Madi knows that we are gone?" She asked looking to Bellamy.</p><p>"I doubt it," He replied, "it's likely not even morning for them yet."</p><p>He found it incredible looking around at the group and seeing what they've been through. Hope was 25 years old, Gabriel and Echo were 7 years older, he was 1 year older, and Clarke had only experienced a few days of time. </p><p>"I think it's time to get some sleep," Clarke suggested. The group agreed, stomping out the fire and making their way up the treehouse. Clarke secured his restraints for the night. </p><p>"I hate this." She whispered as she finished tieing him to the floor. </p><p>He gave her a soft smile, "it's okay. I don't want to risk hurting you."</p><p>"I'm sorry for everything I put you through. Just because we have plenty of good memories doesn't excuse the bad ones. I have a lot of regrets." She said.</p><p>She noticed him struggling to push back the bad memories. He couldn't stop seeing her leaving him to die at his sister's hand. </p><p>"What can I do to help?" She asked, noticing how tense he had become.</p><p>"Tell me a good memory." He suggested, trying to drown out the mantra he had been told on Bardo.</p><p>She gently sat next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. </p><p>"I remember the Unity Day party at the dropship camp all of those years ago. You were stood there, arrogant as ever, watching over the hundred. I came up to you and you told me to have some fun while I still could. You told me that I deserved it. We were definitely a little bit tipsy and for a few moments, I was almost certain that you were flirting with me. It was one of the first moments where I felt my trust for you growing into a stronger friendship. When Finn came up with a plan to meet with the grounders, I leaned on you to back me up with no hesitation. We worked together for once and it just felt right." She reminisced. His breathing slowed. It helped, even if it felt like he was listening to someone else's story.</p><p>"Thank you." He replied, unsure of how to respond without disappointing her. </p><p>"Get some sleep." She said, making her way across the room to lay with the others. The phrase sounded familiar like they had said it to each other before. He didn't get a chance to ask her. He watched her as she made her bed. He didn't allow himself to fall asleep until he was sure she did.</p><p>They woke up to the loud roar of the anomaly expanding across the forest and into the valley. Clarke quickly got out of bed, released his binds and followed the others down the ladder. It was much earlier than they had expected, only a week since they arrived here, but he was sure they were ready. Gabriel, Hope, and Echo grabbed their belongings and ran for the forest first. He secured his suit and helped Clarke put on her helmet. She held her hands out for him to tie them.</p><p>"Everything is going to be okay." She assured him.</p><p> At the moment, the plan was much more terrifying. The risks and the potential danger for her were a reality. She was calm and collected, never wavering from her role as his hostage. </p><p>"Have you done this before?" He asked as he led her through the forest.</p><p>She paused for a moment, "We did."</p><p>He couldn't remember it, and there was a hint in her voice that told him that she knew.</p><p>"I'm guessing it went well seeing as we are both still alive." He replied, lightening the mood.</p><p>She chuckled, "It could have gone better, but everyone was okay."</p><p>They were getting closer to the portal now but they didn't have time to rest. Three guards were waiting for them up ahead. </p><p>"There you are. What happened?" The female in the middle asked him. He struggled to recognize her voice.</p><p>Bellamy discreetly squeezed Clarke's arm, warning her that anything he said now was for show.</p><p>"It's about time you guys showed up. She busted my helmet and sent us here." He replied stepping closer to them. He was praying that Gabriel, Hope, and Echo would attack soon. He couldn't stall them for long.</p><p>"Let's get her out of here." The man on the right said, reaching to grab Clarke. </p><p>Bellamy pulled her back, "This was my order. I'm delivering her to the General."</p><p>Before the group could respond, Hope, Gabriel, and Echo appeared behind them. They had figured out how to use the invisibility on their stolen suits. They stunned the soldiers with their stun guns and then began switching suits. Each suit was equipped with a tracker and a personal ID number. If they didn't come back in these suits, then the disciples would know something was wrong.</p><p>"3 minutes!" Bellamy called to them as they struggled to change. They each had to fight hallucinations when they switched helmets.</p><p>The portal began to close just as Hope finished securing her helmet. The group held on to each other before stepping into the wormhole.</p><p>Planet Bardo</p><p>They arrived underground in a stronghold where the anomaly stone was kept. There were at least 10 high-level guards waiting for them when they came through. He assumed that they heightened the security after Echo, Gabriel, and Hope got in and out. </p><p>Echo, Gabriel, and Hope played their part, nonchalantly slipping out of the room before anyone could question if they were the guards who had gone into the anomaly.</p><p>Bellamy attempted to leave with Clarke as well but they stopped him.</p><p>General Anders made his way into the room, approaching Clarke. He slowly removed her helmet, verifying that it was her compared to a computer-generated image.</p><p>"Nice work." The General applauded him. Bellamy felt sick.</p><p>Clarke played her part as the rebellious hostage well. She spat at the General's feet.</p><p>He yanked her away from Bellamy, holding her by the collar of her shirt. She glared at him with a mixture of hatred and sadness. Bellamy fought every urge within him to protect her. She would be in more danger if they knew his compulsion was fading. He fought to stand still, completely stoic, and unwavering.</p><p>"I will kill you for what you did to him." She seethed, the strength of her words hovering over the room. She was fearless and he could tell she meant every word that she said.</p><p>"Take her away." The General ordered the other guards in the room. He wasn't interested in her threats. </p><p>Bellamy hesitated, wanting to grab her from the General, but he couldn't figure out a way to do that without blowing their cover. Clarke turned to him, tears streaming now. He wanted to believe that the pain she was emitting was fake, but the raw vulnerability was impossible to ignore.</p><p>They picked her up by her arms. She fought them, kicking and screaming the entire way out of the room. </p><p>His heart left the room with her.</p><p>Bellamy and the General were the only ones left in the room. He lifted his helmet to look Anders in the eyes. </p><p>"Excellent job, Bellamy Blake. She will prove to be incredibly valuable to us. When we are done with her, I assure you, the kill is yours." He reached out to shake Bellamy's hand.</p><p>Bellamy obliged, "Thank you, sir."</p><p>He wanted nothing more than to go after Clarke, but he didn't have a plan. He needed to regroup with Gabriel, Echo, and Hope. He hoped that they remembered his instructions on how to get to his quarters.</p><p>When he returned to his room, he was relieved to find Gabriel, Echo, and Hope inside. </p><p>"Where's Clarke?" Hope asked when Bellamy stepped in alone. </p><p>"They took her. I don't know where, but I'm trying to find out." He answered. Gabriel sat at the table, sprawling out a map he must have found while they were apart. The group gathered around him to check it out.</p><p>"We are here," Gabriel said pointing to a small square in the middle of the map. "based on what I can see, brainwashing isn't common knowledge here. There are no obvious locations for prisoners or a chamber where the mind-wiping could occur." </p><p>"Sound familiar?" Echo taunted Gabriel, referring to the hidden room in Sanctum where the primes secretly body-snatched their hosts. </p><p>He rolled his eyes at her comment, "It says here that this is a level 5 maps. If there are 12 levels we likely need a level 12 map to find where Clarke is. I'm guessing that Clarke's location will be the same location for the antidote."</p><p>They hadn't given Bellamy a level that he could recall. If he had to guess, he was likely somewhere around level 10. He had his own quarters, direct orders from the General himself, and clearance to the main control room. Gabriel was probably right that mind alteration clearance would be reserved for level 12 disciples only.</p><p>Hope looked up at Bellamy from across the table, "We have three options. Either you figure out how to jog your memory from the last time you were in that room, we try to find it ourselves, or we figure out how to steal a level 12 map."</p><p>She was right, those were their options. Shitty ones, but the cards they had been dealt with. His priority was Clarke's safety. He didn't care anymore if he never got the antidote, he would give up his memories forever to protect her. </p><p>He didn't know when it happened, but his hatred for Clarke completely vanished. He didn't need old memories of Clarke to care for her. The truth was, he never lost his love for her. He couldn't describe it, but a love that strong couldn't be erased. </p><p>They had simply pushed it away and covered it up where he couldn't reach it. </p><p>But now that he was reaching for it--</p><p>"Bellamy." Hope interrupted him. The group was staring at him, waiting for his advice.</p><p>He cleared his throat, "We need to find her as soon as possible. Let's just get out there and look for the room."</p><p>The group agreed, putting their gear back on and heading out into the unknown together. He took a deep breath, leaving his room for what he knew would be the last time.</p>
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